when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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