the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
