Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
