If that was your dad, he is hot
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize