Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
