She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
