woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
