Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
