it's too hot outside to masturbate.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
