im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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