Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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