Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
