I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
