So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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