Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
