I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
