Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
