Your dad touched me again.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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