What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
