I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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