Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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