saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
