He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
