i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
