R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Randomize
