I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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