I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
