the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
