I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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