I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
