in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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