What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
