you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
