Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
