I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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