I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
