Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
