she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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