mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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