I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
