time to smoke my breakfast
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
