My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
