My Higher Power is John Stamos
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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