Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
