Someone shit on the floor
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
