I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
