my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
