so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
