What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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