I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
