Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
